In Soviet Russia..uh, WHAT THE HELL IS SOVIET RUSSIA? Oh, right, it's what Russia USED to be called from 1922-1991. It's also a stream of unfunny jokes that need to die.

Seriously, why the hell do people still tell these jokes TWENTY YEARS AFTER THE FALL OF COMMUNIST RUSSIA? They weren't funny during the cold war and they aren't now. Can somebody explain to me WHY they're funny?

Also, they're irrelevant because, again, Russia hasn't been soviet since 1991. Yet some people, like those morons on TruTV's World's Dumbest, still think this is Russia's flag:
   

News flash, THIS is the flag Russia has been using since 1991:


So, please, this is one of many bad jokes and memes that need to die horribly in a bad car wreck.

Merry Christmas

Happy Chanukah

Happy Kwanzaa

Happy Hogswatch

Happy Festivus

Happy New Year

...and can somebody bring me a beer?

That's how I feel right now. Dear god this book is the pits. It's like reading a really bad fanfiction. Some highlights:

*Vampires are the cause of Scrooge being a miser.
*Lamp lighter is now a race instead of an occupation.
*Belle sent Marley to help Scrooge because she still loves him and  he can only be helped b true love.
 
It hurts us, Precious. It hurts.

Yahoo ran this story today.

Mind you, I don't mind self-publishing but what got me curious is the whole  "A dozen publishers and more than 100 literary agents rejected it" thing. I checked amazon to see if there's a preview of the book.

There is.

I can see why it did not get picked up. What do you guys think?

Ah, the internet. Over a billion users and over a billion opinions. after seeing the Black Pawn Movement's new video I got to thinking about the phenomenon know as "hater rants". Not just from random people on YouTube, but from famous people and not so famous people (Gloria Tesch, anyone?)

All of these rants sound like this to me:

That's right, a bunch of crybabies who can't take criticism. Listen people: In life you WILL receive criticism from everywhere. You just need to know what's constructive and what's not (EX "you suck " is not constructive.)

Here's the sad truth: You are NOT the best at what you do. SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! MOUTH CLOSED! Listen, no matter how good you think you are there will always be people who are better than you. That goes doubly true if you are an athlete. You may think Wayne Gretzky, Babe Ruth, or Bret Favre are the best NOW, but twenty years from now there will be some kid who will shatter their records.

Yes, Steve Jobs is a genius of our time, but twenty years from now there will be someone who make him look like an idiot.

OK, this rant went off the rails. Look, the point I'm trying to make is stop crying like a little baby every time somebody makes one small criticism about you and improve on your craft to silence those critics. If you ignore critics or tell them to shut up you make yourself look like an idiot. If you improve yourself and prove to your critics that you are good then you can laugh all you want.

Till then, STOP CRYING AND TAKE OFF THOSE STUPID HATER BLOCKERS! YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL IDIOT!    

You read that right: Sir Terry Pratchett WANTS to DIE. The BBC documentary Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die follows Sir Terry as he talks to other people who want to die by assisted suicide.

WARNING: Very hard to watch.

Looks like I have been neglecting this journal for far too long. Well, now I have to update it with a review.

Right, how many of you have read Hamlet? All of you? Now, how many of you remember the characters Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? Very few of you. They are the childhood friends of Hamlet who don't really do much in the play besides humor Hamlet and get killed off. How does one go about writing a story where two minor characters with very little depth to them are the main characters? Well, Tom Stoppard wrote a play (read: literary fan fiction) about these two gentlemen in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. A movie was made in 1990 staring Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, and Richard Dreyfuss. This review concerns the film.

The movie's about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern just being in the background during the events of Hamlet talking and being fools. Then they die. That's it. What do they talk about? Well, they just make absurd observations and say things that are supposed to be funny if you're an English scholar or English major.

Well, I'm an English major and I did not find much that was funny here. Yes, there are some funny moments in the film, like the letter being switched that said to kill Hamlet but instead says to kill the two idiots. Other than that I was not laughing at all.

Speaking of Hamlet, he was funnier in this movie than these two blokes. Yes, the "minor" character in a comedy is upstaging the "main" characters.

The only reason I heard of this play/movie is because someone in one of my college courses told me it was hilarious. I don't remember the guy's name or the class but I do know we had to read Hamlet. So years later I finally saw it and, yeah, not as funny as he made it out to be.

At least the acting is going. Oldman and Roth have great chemistry with each other. That's the second high point of the movie. The first is Dreyfuss as the leader of a traveling acting company. To use some cliche words Dreyfuss has wit, finesse, and knows how to make the audience smile. It's too bad the material he was given is not funny.

I know some of you are thinking "you must not be a good English major if you did not think this movie was funny". That may be true, but I know good comedy when I see it. This is not good comedy and neither is it witty but it's not shitty either. I must have a different idea of comedy than your typical English major. It's pretty obvious I'm not your typical English major in that I HATE some of the authors many English majors hold dear (Alan Ginsberg, the Bronte sisters, Jane Austen). At least I like Victor Hugo and Edgar Allan Poe.

Should you give Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead a chance? I say yes just to see what literary fin fiction looks like. You may find more things that are funny than I did but don't come and tell me I don't know comedy. I like my crazy Muppets, Spanish inquisitors, and dead parrots as much as the next poofta.

Alright guys. Tonight I'm going to a book signing for A Dance with Dragons. I'm expecting the Barnes and Noble to be PACKED! 

I'll try to get my hands on the book, get it signed, and get a shit ton of pictures.

Wish me luck.

Right, I've got a few things to say today.

1. Congratulations to the Boston Bruins for winning the Stanley Cup. Also, thank you Vancouver for completely destroying your own city and being so predictable in that everyone knew you were going to riot. 

2. I do apologize for not doing a review in a while.  I've be writing reviews for ReviewFix.com and I'm caught so caught up that I can't really review anything here. I may review something someday so don't worry.

3. I'M GOING TO THE NY COMIC CON! Thing is,  I'm going because I have to help cover it for ReviewFix.. No biggie. I'll be fine.

4. Now that there's no hockey until October, I can catch up with my reading. About time.

That's all for now.

Just found Sir. Terry Pratchett's coat of arms.It's really nice.